Noooooooooooo thank you

By Mir
July 30, 2012

So I’m cruising Amazon for deals this morning—as I do—and I came across a product I’ve never seen before. Maybe I’m just late to the party, but have you see this? It’s Johnson’s Baby Cologne. This is a real product.

Now, I’m torn, because it’s on sale and there’s a $.75 coupon you can clip on the page, making it under a buck delivered if you buy via Subscribe & Save (meaning it will cost Amazon more to ship it to you than you pay for the product), but still. No. No. Let me count the ways of NO:

1) Babies do not need cologne.
2) First line under the Safety Information is: “Keep out of the reach of children.”
3) Third line under the Safety Information is: “Serious breathing problems could occur.” What??
4) Included in the Directions: “Use Johnson’s Baby Cologne anytime you want to give your baby a clean, fresh scent.” How about this for an idea—want your baby to have a clean, fresh scent? Give him a bath. Or just, you know, let him be a baby because babies already smell pretty good.

The world concerns me sometimes.

13 Comments

  1. How do you thing the product planning meeting went for this? I’m guessing it’s a bunch of childless men who don’t like baby smell.

  2. I have had several genius-and-not-creepy ideas for this very amusing product:

    1. This seems like it would be AWESOME for a nursing mom who wanted to pump at work. A little sniff from the bottle (of whichever scent her baby uses in his/her shampoo—I see there’s also a Baby Magic cologne) might really help.

    2. I used to make my own baby wipes. I wonder if adding some of this to the wipe solution would smell delicious?

    3. Sometimes a baby’s NURSERY smells…a bit off. A spritz of this over the diaper pail, maybe? a little spritz onto the curtains? They should really make baby-scented FEBREZE, instead!

    4. Something with a baby shower game. I don’t know what. But something.

  3. Christy, I also like to picture the creative team sitting around a table figuring the products out. What?!

    And Swistle, good thinking! Are you on the above product team?

  4. Let’s just swab Junior with some Chanel No. 5. Chemicals are good for him! Also avoids that annoying baby head smell. And…end of sarcasm. I just cried a little, remembering.

  5. What completely took me over the edge, was the fact it came in different scents! What?!!! Is that for the baby who wants his/her own signature scent for crying out loud? OOOORRR…if you are a baby born with a silver spoon in your mouth, there is always the French looking baby cologne with the unpronounceable name! Yikes.

  6. I.just.don’t.understand. And it comes in so many scents! Did you read any of the reviews? A couple of them were priceless. “It is the best thing a mother can get for their child.”
    “I could have went to the store…”

  7. I hate to admit it…but I actually bought this little gem a few years back. For myself! I liked Philosophy’s Baby Grace, but didn’t want to spend the money. It gives a light, fresh, powdery scent for a few bucks. Nice for after a bath or shower. I never really used it on my kids, but I think I still have it lol. I should dig it out.

  8. Haha, wow! Baby cologne? Amazing what people will buy these days….

  9. Somebody wrote it’s not the best baby perfume out there. You mean there’s other brands???? I just don’t get it. Glad to see something tickled your funny bone Mir. You need laughs.

  10. One of the main reviews says, ” I have literally tossed out every single toxic product in my home, except for the bottle of this baby cologne.” Seriously?

  11. At the risk of being pilloried…how is this much different from the different fragrances available in baby products such as baby wash and lotion, not to mention baby wipes and even diapers? This kind of product was fairly common when I was growing up, albeit from European companies…google Nenuco for an example. And I’m 42, so no spring chicken.

    Part of the “baby smell” is the lingering scent of baby products. They just took the smell and bottled it.

  12. Baby cologne is very popular in the Latino community. I’m not a fan, but there ya go.

  13. Just to clarify. Not a fan of the cologne. I have no problem with the Latino community. And now I sound like an idiot.

    Sorry feel free to delete both these comments I won’t be offended in the slighted.

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