Don’t forget—you have until just before midnight tonight to enter this week’s contest, and you stand a chance to win either a coupon for a free Cook’s ham or a very cool duo of Sound of Music goodies.
So take your pick—flee from the Nazis, or have some pork fat. Umm. Maybe that was rather a stranger pairing than I intended….
As always, please take care to leave your entry comments on the contest post. Only leave comments on this post if you have a good joke to tell. I could use a few good jokes today.
ok…here is the joke that my 4 year old son keeps telling me over and over and he laughs hysterically. Courtesy of a Ranger Rick magazine.
Ears another knock knock joke
Eyes one more knock knock joke
Chin up, that’s the last joke!
(it’s better in person.)
At an exam, the dentist said, “that new plate I put in recently is eroding. What are you eating?” “Hollandaise sauce. I put it on everything!” “Well,” says the dentist, “the lemon juice in Hollandaise sauce is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make a new one out of chrome.” “Why chrome?” h…e asked. Dentist said, “Everyone knows that … there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says okay and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins. And this time they’re all wearing sunglasses.
He pulls the guy over and shouts: “Hey! I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!”
The guy replies: “I did! And we had such a good time that today I’m taking them to the beach!”
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. “For instance,” he said, “some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles.”
“What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?” asked a sarcastic member of the group.
“I’m not absolutely sure,” answered the expert, “but it sounds something like this: ‘Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!’
Okay, I promise I’ll stop after this one…
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given three days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home. Including the curtain rods.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person.
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and
became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up with very
bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a . . .
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
what did tiger woods change his name to?
no? not funny? lol
not just cheet-ah but also lion (lyin)
Why does Santa Claus have three gardens? So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.
Don’t judge me; I teach fourth graders.
Your fourth graders would probably appreciate my niece’s favorite joke: What’s the difference between snot and broccoli?
Ah, come on, at least guess before reading the answer.
Answer: Kids won’t eat broccoli.
(Maybe I should mention that it was her favorite joke when she was eight.)
Ooh, Chakolate, I better not tell my kid that one, it’ll give her ideas!
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Two of my favorite quickie clean jokes:
Why does the ocean roar?
– you would, too… if you had lobsters in your bed!
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
– Dam! (wait for it… it sneaks up on you)
I still chuckle at both of these when I tell them… I must be like 8 or so….