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Has your Mystery Item revealed itself?

Remember the Groupon Goods Midsummer Mystery Item? Were you willing to gamble $15 on a mystery item guaranteed to be “25% to 99% off retail” and maybe something fabulous?

I’m not going to lie; when I got a shipping notice, I went and checked the item tracking because I knew it would tell me the item weight. When my package was listed as weighing only two pounds, I grumbled a little. But! Maybe it was a small electronic item!

The suspense ended yesterday when my box arrived, although not right away, because when I first opened it up I had no idea what I was looking at. It was… something cylindrical. And camo-printed. It turns out that I got one of these. On the up side: It has great reviews, a normal price of $40, and my friends who do fitness-y things assure me this is a very cool item. On the down side: Camo print, I am not a fitness-y sort, and I’m a little afraid I might hurt myself on it.

Hey, I wanted a mystery, and I got one. Did you get your package yet? What did they send you??

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The Tooth Fairy called…

and she wants her necklace back.

(It’s not just me, right? That’s both creepy and totally looks like a giant, deformed human molar?)

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Your morning giggle

I thought I was reading the product name wrong because I haven’t had any coffee yet, but no. Need a chuckle this morning? Here you go!

(Also be sure to read the single, disgruntled review.)

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The Lightning Deals made a funny

So I was just checking out the Amazon Lightning Deals—as I do, and a new batch of deals just went live at 11:00—and I saw a dog toy bundle. So I clicked through to look at it, and now I can’t stop laughing.

Yeah, the current lightning deal on this Zanies 6-pack of latex dog toys may or may not be a good deal at the Lightning Price of $13.91, but the real value is in the product description, which includes this gem:

This prepack dog toys are creative combinations of individually-labeled latex toys to help you make impulse gift sales and boost your holiday profits.

Call me crazy, but I just don’t think that’s what Licorice thinks about when I get her a new toy.

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Just hypothetically…

… how much therapy would my children require if I went into the I Heart Guts boutique over at today and bought them plush testicles and ovaries (or bladders, mammaries, instestines, etc.)?

I’m, uh, asking for a friend.

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I… don’t understand

To be filed under: No, Really?

Today at Tanga you can apparently buy your very own set of 24kt gold-plated playing cards. Because… uhhhhh… yeah, I got nothin’. They’re listed as the “perfect gift for the person who has everything.” Well, now, if they had everything, wouldn’t they already have these…?

I’m not positive, but this may be what’s wrong with America.

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… but I kind of love it

I’m putting this in the “Retail gone wrong” category, but honestly, I’m not sure I want to be right, because I can’t stop laughing.

Like any good southern cook (okay, I’m a yankee, but I try), I have a 12-inch cast iron skillet that lives atop my stove and gets used for everything from cornbread to eggs. There’s nothing like cast iron for even, high heat (and extra iron!) in your cooking.

The pan I own is this one, and Amazon’s current price of around $19 is about right.

But! Today is the one-year anniversary of Home.Woot, and look what they’re offering, to celebrate—it’s a Woot-branded Lodge cast iron skillet. It has the big Woot exclamation point on it! I find this hilarious. (Not hilarious enough to pay $30 plus $5 shipping, but hilarious nonetheless.) These pans last forever—many of my friends ’round here have their grandmother’s skillets—but would the extra money be worth it for generations to come? “Nana, tell us the story about the Woot-Off one more time!” Seems unlikely.

But it’s still funny.

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Noooooooooooo thank you

So I’m cruising Amazon for deals this morning—as I do—and I came across a product I’ve never seen before. Maybe I’m just late to the party, but have you see this? It’s Johnson’s Baby Cologne. This is a real product.

Now, I’m torn, because it’s on sale and there’s a $.75 coupon you can clip on the page, making it under a buck delivered if you buy via Subscribe & Save (meaning it will cost Amazon more to ship it to you than you pay for the product), but still. No. No. Let me count the ways of NO:

1) Babies do not need cologne.
2) First line under the Safety Information is: “Keep out of the reach of children.”
3) Third line under the Safety Information is: “Serious breathing problems could occur.” What??
4) Included in the Directions: “Use Johnson’s Baby Cologne anytime you want to give your baby a clean, fresh scent.” How about this for an idea—want your baby to have a clean, fresh scent? Give him a bath. Or just, you know, let him be a baby because babies already smell pretty good.

The world concerns me sometimes.

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But my dog doesn’t have thumbs

Okay, so, the Meijer Big Steal changes each day at noon (Eastern time), but I realized I’d forgotten to check it yesterday and just clicked over.

Yesterday’s deal (good for another 90 minutes or so) is on a Murphy bed for your under-25-pound pet. For real. For the unfamiliar, click through to look at it, but a Murphy bed is one of those things that can fold down from the wall and fold up to “hide” and save space. In this case, of course, the pet Murphy bed has its own cabinet. With an “espresso finish.”

Really, Meijer? This on-sale-for-$44-pet-bed “folds out when your cat or pup is ready for a snooze, and back up again when they are ready to seize the day”? Have you ever owned a pet? Because my dog doesn’t exactly 1) adhere to a regular schedule or 2) announced when she’s ready for a nap. Nor do I have such an empty life that I’d like to have to open and close her bed for her.

But this did add some levity to my day. (Bonus: if you click through to the product pictures, you can see a very confused-looking dog with a terrible haircut sitting on said bed with a distinct, “Seriously?!?” expression on his face.)

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Monster High mania

Look, I’ll be the first one to say that I really don’t get the Monster High dolls. They’re basically… undead Bratz? Is that right? I don’t know. Thankfully, my girlchild is past the age where this is A Thing, so I don’t have to think about it too hard.

But hey, apparently they’re kind of expensive and sometimes hard to find. Maybe that’s why Amazon suggested to me that I buy this Monster High Skull Shores Black and White Frankie Stein Doll, even though I’m pretty sure I don’t need a creepy Frankenstein fashion doll. She’s down to just $4.13 shipped if you have Prime, and eligible for free Super Saver Shipping on your $25+ order if you don’t.

I don’t know. They still kind of creep me out, but it’s certainly the right price if you have a kid who’s into ’em.

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